You enter the lift with another person on the ground floor. Somewhere between the 10th and 11th floors, the lift stops and won’t move further. Tell the story of what happens, using plenty of dialogue. I'm persisting with writing for children. What do you think?
The lift jumps, wobbles a bit, drops a few feet then stops. It goes dark, pitch black like a night with no moon.
Jane screams. No noise comes out of her mouth. It’s quiet except for the man breathing. It feels like he is really close. She whimpers, just like a pussy cat. She buries herself into the corner.
“Oh shit” says the man.
“Mum...my” whispers Jane.
Jane’s tears gallop down her face and she hiccups as she tries to swallow. It’s like her tongue is bigger than her mouth.
“Where’s Mummy?”
“It’s OK honey, Mummy will be here soon, she’ll save us. I’ll light a match so we can see.
“Nooooooooooooooo” she cries.
Suddenly she can hear her mother’s warning. Words muddle up as she struggles to remember.
She had been only little. Now she’s eight years old, her birthday was last week and she had eight friends for tea, she had eight presents and eight candles. She had blown them all out at once. But when she had been little, her brother had taken a lift from a man in a car. Mummy had been very angry and she’d even gone red in the face. Her face looked like it was going to boil like a kettle and steam came out of her ears. Ian had come home safely. The man had given him a lift home from school. But Mummy was still angry,
“Never, never, never ever, take a lift or talk to a stranger” she had yelled. And she had waved her finger directly at Jane.
“They might hurt you or steal you. Take you away from Mummy and Daddy. So don’t ever do it. Do you understand?”
Jane remembers and she crouches further into the corner.
“Noooooooooooooooo” she whispers this time.
“Honey, I won’t hurt you. It’s OK. We’ll be safe. But hey, why don’t you cuddle Truffle, he’ll make you feel better.”
“Oh, Truffle, he looked so cute. That’s right, I followed him. I only wanted to hug him. Let me see him”.
There’s a noise like rats scratching at the floorboards. Jane covers her ears and withdraws deeper into the corner. A little yellow light glows and a puff of smoke heads for the roof. Shadows dance around the lift walls and there’s Truffle, hiding behind the man’s legs.
“Truffle, Truffle, come here. Let me cuddle you”.
Then it’s dark again.
“Damn these stupid matches” says the man. “Sorry, hon, I’ll try another one.
There’s a pause, Jane holds her breath. Then a cold, wet nose rubs itself against her bare knee and soft fluffy hair tickles her arms.
“Oooh. Truffle is that you?”
He snuffles and licks. She squats. A wet tongue kisses her nose. He’s little enough for her to cuddle him right around. He’s as soft as Tiger, her teddy.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Here's what I think happened: A little girl chases her dog Truffle into a lift, which then gets stuck, plunging them into darkness. She is terrified by the situation as well as by the scary man in the lift, but he turns out to be all right. She gets her comfort from Truffle.
I loved some of the description, like "black like a night with no moon" and "her tongue is bigger than her mouth". You make Jane's fear very real. "It's quiet except for the man breathing" is VERY evocative!
I was unsure about how Jane got herself into the lift in the first place - perhaps bringing Truffle into the story earlier would have answered that.
Also, as a children's story - I'm wondering about the "moral" of it. There seems to be a mixed message about stranger-danger.
Where did the rat in the title come from???
You tell the story of a little girl who gets stuck in a lift, bringing up a lesson from earlier in life in which her mother warns her and her brother about the dangers of taking lifts from strangers and how awful that can be. Jane is rescued from her fears by the soothing stranger and by a ratkilling Truffle.
What I loved was the imagination of picking an 8 year old girl and a through her eyes sinister man as victims of a stalled lift. I liked the back story which brings a reality to Jane's state of panic. I like how her fear turns to joy in the space of a second, something only children can do.
For improvement I think more care needs to be given to a lot of the wording as some of the words almost seem to have been picked at random. Like the "galloping" tears. (Peta's "cascading" would work better). Or the man starting off with "Oh shit" Way out of line if you are writing for children. "Oh drat" would be strong enough. Also writing for children can't be too subtle. I was left with "what in the hell is happening here..." as I read the start and didn't really get it until I learned later that Jane was only eight. I can't imagine what an eight year old would make of it all.
A young girl is stuck in a lift with a scary stranger, she is worried that she will be in trouble with her mummy and that the stranger means her harm. The stranger's dog comforts her and all is well.
As usual you use some great images eg re the moon, the kettle and steam, the wagging finger. It was easy to feel her sense of fear but also that she was worried that she wouldbe in trouble for breaking the rules. This came out strongly.
I think if it had been more apparent from the beginning that this was a child the drama may have been more immediate. I was initially conifsed by "mum...my" and also the rats scratching. I think the "she squats" is superfluous and has her changing position from what I envisaged as a huddle against the wall of the lift. Also watch punctuation!
I love how you create the essence of the child for the reader. Well done!
A young girl is stuck in a lift with a scary stranger, she is worried that she will be in trouble with her mummy and that the stranger means her harm. The stranger's dog comforts her and all is well.
As usual you use some great images eg re the moon, the kettle and steam, the wagging finger. It was easy to feel her sense of fear but also that she was worried that she wouldbe in trouble for breaking the rules. This came out strongly.
I think if it had been more apparent from the beginning that this was a child the drama may have been more immediate. I was initially conifsed by "mum...my" and also the rats scratching. I think the "she squats" is superfluous and has her changing position from what I envisaged as a huddle against the wall of the lift. Also watch punctuation!
I love how you create the essence of the child for the reader. Well done!
Kerry says:
The story is about a little girl who is entranced by a stranger's dog and follows it into a lift. The lift stops and in the dark the girl remembers her mother's warning about stranger danger. The dog comforts her.
You have captured the fear of the little girl beautifully, Sue, with phrases like 'she buries herself in the corner' and 'like her tongue is bigger than her mouth'.
I wasn't sure how Jane could scream and there be no noise. I would prefer not to have the extended 'no'. For me it has the feel of a cartoon about it rather than for a 'formal' story. And how was the story resolved?
Post a Comment