Write a story on any subject but don't use any adjectives or adverbs. Focus on using precise verbs or nouns to convey the moods or feelings you are aiming for.
“We won’t…make it…What’ll we do?…Go back!” Cathy groaned.
She arched her back, spread her legs across the seat and began panting as she had been taught. The contractions were gripping her belly. She exhaled from the bottom of her lungs as she felt the power of the vice begin to fade.
And she relaxed. She fell back against the car window. The baby wasn’t going to wait. The contractions were relentless. She should be in the hospital by now.
Cathy looked out at the morass of mud across the road.
“Steve, what will we do?” she echoed. “The road is closed. It’s no use. The rain isn’t going to stop. It’s been going on like this for hours.”
She wiped her forehead with the towel she’d brought with her.
Steve glared at the rain pouring down the windscreen in front of him. This was not the way he had pictured the birth of their baby. He tramped his foot on the accelerator and reversed into the driveway behind the car. He sped back up the road the way they had come leaving a splash of mud on the mailbox.
“Steve, relax. Take it easy. We can do it,” Cathy screamed in his ear. “Stop. We can phone the doctor, get some advice.”
Steve wasn’t listening. He careered on up the road.
He didn’t see the tree that had fallen across his path, its roots loosened by the downpour. Metal crumpled. Bodies were flung onto the road. The rain was merciless.
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4 comments:
Yike. Kerry this story is a big stretch for you. I have come to expect more of a happy-ending type but this is different.
I felt the mood of fear, panic, helplessness so much in the words chosen, amazing with the lack of modifiers.
Much as I prefer happy ending stories, I liked the cold, ruthless way in which nature dictated the terms of engagement and would accept no dissent.
Anguish of the rain indeed.
The moods and feelings definitely got conveyed without the adjectives and adverbs (except for "relentless" and "merciless", but who's counting?). The mood was one of tension, danger, despair. The feelings were fear, desperation, hopelessness.
I loved the consistency of the emotion. I felt the desperation along with the characters to the extent that the horrible ending just seemed like the inevitable outcome.
I didn't like that these 3 people I'd developed such empathy with turned into bodies - but that's a different story. This one holds together as it is.
There's no backstory, so I'll comment on the language: I was drawn in by dozens of strong verbs like groaned, arched, panting, gripping; strong nouns like vice and downpour.
Hi Kerry
I loved the drama and the build up to the 'having a baby' then was shocked by the ghastly ending. Well done, I think it's hard to write pieces that don't have a happy end. Somehow you did a great job minimising adjectives and adverbs, well done.
I loved the 3rd para where Cathy is about to have the baby. I'm there in the front seat of the car, your writing is very vivid and creates a wonderful word picture. I also loved the simlicity of your writing. Somethimes I find it a bit convoluted and hard to fathom.
I think you could include more experiencial stuff, eg I don't get Cathy's fear, what it would feel like to be terrified. Or her pain. The descritpions are great but how about including some 'writing for the senses'
A gripping piece, well done. I enjoyed the read.
Great drama! The visualisation you create without adjectives is immediate. You put the reader right in the car with Cathy and Steve. What a predicament and what an ending.
Point of view seemed to shift from Cathy to Steve. I would have liked some dialogue from Steve to share his emotions, fears, thoughts with Cathy and the reader rather than this being his own thoughts. What was his plan on turning back? Where to now? What did he think as he realised the inevitable was about to happen? CRASH!!!! Yikes.
Very enjoyable read Kerry. Great work.
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