“I’ve seen you before. You work for Beau Whitehead right?”
God, I remember this obnoxious dickhead from the staff Christmas party. Justine thought.
“Yeah. How’d you know?”
“A guess. Your uber trendy clothes are a give away. Everyone in that office wears designer shit. My mate Jacko works there.”
“Well it’s advertising. It’s part of the package, it’s expected.”
“Brownie.” He said extending his hand.
“Justine.” His hand was unpleasantly clammy.
It had only been a couple of minutes since the lift jolted to a halt, but the air was already thickening with their breath and Brownie’s body odour. Justine was feeling nauseous. She hated small spaces and Brownie made her uncomfortable. She could feel her armpits moistening. That was all she needed, sweat marks on her Donna Karan.
“So what about you? Where do you work?” Small talk at least would take her mind off the situation. She seemed to recall he was some sort of courier.
“ASX. Just delivering paperwork to a client. My luck the bloody lift breaks down. But hey it could be worse right? Here I am stuck with you and you have my undivided attention.” A rakish sneer crossed Brownie’s acne scarred face.
Oh please, Justine thought. More of this and I really will throw up.
“May be we should try the emergency phone.” Justine stretched towards the handset.
“Waste of time.” Brownie said as he moved between her and the control panel. “The lifts are monitored 24 7. They know we’re here. It won’t speed things up.”
“Sure but they don’t know who’s in here, do they? My boss will be shitted with me for not getting back from lunch.”
“Come on. You advertising types are lunch alots, he won’t even know you’re missing for a couple of hours.”
“God, you don’t think we’ll be in here that long do you?”
He was beginning to creep her out. His eyes seemed permanently transfixed on her breasts. They were impressive of course and she used them to maximum effect but this was definitely one time she wished she’d gone for the higher neckline. She remembered now how he’d leered at all the girls at the party. He’d had way too much to drink and staggered around spilling his beers down any blouse he could get near. He thought it was hilarious. No one else was impressed except his stupid mate. Also a dickhead.
“Relax.” He moved closer and touched her arm. Her skin reacted immediately, prickling against unwanted advance.
“Piss off.” Justine hissed.
With that he slammed his body into her, shoving her back into the corner, her arms pinned to her side. His foul breath cascaded over her face as he groped her with his free hand, moving up her leg and under her mini dress. He fingered the lacy top of her g string. Her chest heaved against the weight of him, as she retched involuntarily.
“Get off me now.” Justine was verging on hysteria. She felt faint yet ready to explode at the same time. She could barely breathe. Justine was acutely aware of his arousal as Brownie pressed harder against her. The tears started, hot and heavy, searing as they rolled down her flushed cheeks.
The lift shifted slightly and Brownie pulled back in surprise and confusion. It was only a moment but all she needed. Justine rammed her knee into his groin. Brownie folded in pain. Only then did Justine notice the key in the control panel turned to STOP.
“You bastard” she yelled kicking Brownie in the ribs with her pointed Jimmy Choo. “How dare you!”
As she flicked the key to GO, Brownie grabbed her ankle and the lift lurched into action. Within seconds the lift doors opened at level 11 and Justine tumbled out into the reception foyer leaving Brownie writhing in pain.
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4 comments:
What an exciting story, Peta! A really entertaining read. An obnoxious dickhead with absolutely no social skills makes a primitive stab at having his way with our clever, feisty, up-market heroine. - And he gets what he deserves.
I love the description, which worked to really put me there in the lift with Justine. I enjoyed the dialogue, both for moving along the action and creating character.
A suggestion: I had to reread a time or two to get straight who spoke the first sentence; I got it wrong the first time and thought Brownie was the trendy one for the first bit of the story (up until Donna Karan, which made TWO trendy people!!). Just a bit of description in the first paragraph would sort it.
Well done!
What was communicatd is the story of a wannabe lady's man trying to turn a lift sabotage into a bit of a romp and getting more than he expected.
What I loved is how you wove in the back story into this scene. We find out about Brownie and what a creep he is through Justine's reflections on the Christmas party. I love how the story builds from being not much more than some lost time with a jerk into a planned setup for a sexual assault.. I love the dialogue. I love the references to the designer clothes. I love Justine's guts and action in the face of her fear.
For improvement I would watch for consistency of language. When Brownie begins his attack you say "His foul breath cascaded over her face". Cascade has more of a refreshing connotation, like a cascading mountain stream. This needs a word to match the foul breath like reeked.
wow, there's some really great stories from the lift!! Yours depicts a couple of people from an advertising agency who are vastly different. One, Brownie is an absolute dickhead (to use your phrase). you found a clever angle to the lift story by having Brownie deliberatly stopping the lift for a grope. Little did he know what he was in for.
You covered backstory really cleverly in the dialogue. And I loved the whole para on how Brownie misbehaved at the Christmas party - a fabulous backstory descritpion. I so got what a dickhead Brownie was and fancy having an acne scarred face. Your dialogue is great, a funny and telling conversation. It's very real and I am completely in their world inside the lift.
I think your word pictures that are created when Brownie attacks Justine are powerful and real - again am there fighting him off!! a great read.
I don't think Brownie worked in the same company, he was just a courier so how come he was at the Christmas party? I'm not sure that Justine would respond with "Yeah" it seems a bit slangy for her.
Kerry says:
Story about two people stuck in a lift with some distressing past history. The undercurrent between the two becomes agitated when the man assaults the woman. She realises the danger she was in fully when she discovers he had stopped the lift intentionally.
You have really got in to the heads of your characters, Peta. I loved how you describe the fashion signals. And the language gives away so much about the characters, 'I remember this obnoxious dickhead..'. Your description of the characters tells the reader so much about who they are, like 'a rakish sneer crossed Brownie's acne scarred face'. I loved that Justine kicked him 'with her Jimmy Choo'.
Bit of punctuation confusion where Brownie introduces himself. But no other comments. Well done.
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