The Fox and the Rabbit
You are an animal (pick any animal) and you are stalking your prey - write a scene from the animal's perspective
Suddenly, I heard a squeal and woke with a start.
The day was brilliant sunshine and I had had a long sleep but there was a constant wariness and readiness that left me tired. I lay on the ground in the dappled sunlight hidden in a hollow in the shade of the covering scrub. It was the perfect den.
The rabbit ran and I chased. She ran slowly at first as though nothing had happened. Then with a spurt of speed turned sharply left. Then with a confusion of left turns and right turns, turned right. There was hesitancy and more confusion, with small leaps and then runs. I was close but it was hard to turn right or left. I could lengthen my stride and gallop but the turns were very difficult. The rabbit ran for a big log lying on the ground and rapidly squeezed through a hole underneath the log. I had no chance of going through. Quickly I bounded around the end of the log and a long way before me was the grey rabbit, running through the grass, down the hill. I stood and pondered another loss.
The peace and quiet of the den seemed far away and lost in the excitement of the chase I had forgotten my three pups also sleeping in the den.
From above I had a sense of something in the sky as a tiny shadow passed before me. I looked up and a large eagle was gliding across the patch of scrub covering the den. “My pups”, I thought and I looked back. The three small pups were playing outside the bush covering the den. The eagle landed on the thin branch on the large eucalypt overlooking the bush. The branch swayed with the weight of the eagle. He balanced on it and then looked straight at the three pups. I yelped with a bark and the pups stopped and searched with a startled look. I yelped again and they came running toward me across the paddock. I ran toward the three, now scampering across the grass and oblivious to the danger from above.
As I ran at full speed, the eagle swooped toward my smallest pup and missed. With his big wings he quickly soared into the air again and turned for another swoop. This time he held his claws downward and swooped again with a crunching stop on the small pup. I raced toward the eagle and with a mighty leap bit at his neck just as he started to flap to lift off from the ground. I held tight. The great wings flapped in panic and feathers started to fly around us. I still held on tight and flipped the eagle from one side to the other. Slowly, the flapping subsided and I began to relax my grip. My pup was free and the other pups scampered back to the den. The little pup seemed dazed but not harmed. This was a lesson never to be forgotten.
I dragged the eagle toward the den and ate. The pups joined in.
Gordon MacAulay
23 February 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Hey, Gordon, I was as primally nervous as these critters, as I read your writing. Straight-forward, moving right along, law of the jungle - I felt very involved in the action from beginning to end.
For me, some of your passive constructions could be made more impactful so the action is even more dramatic.
For instance, "Suddenly, I remembered that I'd left my three pups completely unprotected, sleeping in the den."
Gordon, I love your story. I love how you turned the hunting story from you and the rabbit to the eagle and the babies. It's a very easy story to read and I was engrossed. You had me in the story from the beginning, a good hook by the way, and I could picture fox in his den in the sunshine. I had a real smile as the fox tried to chase rabbit (with difficult turns and things)
I yelped or I barked. You possibly don't need both. I thoroughly enjoyed the tussle between the eagle and the fox, I'm just not sure who would win for real!!
I don't really have any improvements and suggestions. In fact I would love to read your writings every week.
This is a fine little story which has us move from predator to prey. We end with a bit of irony in which the top of the food chain ends up as a meal for its prey.
I liked the scene that you painted of the fox trying to run down the rabbit and having to deal with another loss. Life is not so easy for a predator which seems to almost be the theme of the story.
I think with some minor editing this could be another good children's story.
Heather says:
Two predator stories in one! - giving us a really engaging time in the animal kingdom, as well as a quick lesson in the-predator-doesn't-always-win.
I loved the rabbit chase. I'm not sure if the fox has lefts and rights but you sure created the zigzagging.
It gets beautifully ominous as we find out about the 3 pups. Uh-oh. That whole drama plays out in a white-knuckle fashion.
Suggestions: Perhaps a quick transition between paras 2 and 3 to the effect of "I couldn't resist that squeal and was out of the den in a flash". Plus a stronger transition from one chase to the other.
Loved it!!! Do more :-)
Kerry says:
An exciting tale of the predator becoming the prey as a fox , having failed to procure dinner for his family, realises that they are in turn the prey for an eagle.
I really enjoyed the description of the tussle between the fox and the eagle.
I wasn't sure why the rabbit would have squealed in the beginning and woken the fox. Was the eagle already on the lookout and had it disturbed the rabbit?
Post a Comment