In fewer than 500 words, and using no more than 10 adjectives, write the story of your escape from great danger.
I'll never forget the sound of rocks crunching.
At first I felt the world had shimmied through a time warp. Everything was slowing down. In that space anything was possible, and nothing. Time stretched to infinity but circumstances seemed totally out of my control.
It began when I chose to tackle the ford over the river. I use the word 'tackle' advisedly. Usually I didn’t think twice about crossing it. Usually I simply put the Landrover down a cog and picked my way across the stones. I know the ford like the back of my hand. But yesterday things were different. We had been warned over the radio that the river was expected to rise later in the day. The floods up in Charleville had broken all records. But despite the warning I chose to tackle the ford.
I should have known better.
There was water flowing across the ford and I couldn’t see the stones. We don’t have a stick to measure the water at that point but it looked alright to me. I eased into it cautiously. I’m not a maniac. I’m aware of the dangers. But it was when the vehicle hit the log under the water in the middle of the crossing that I knew I was in trouble. The Landrover stalled. I could feel the power of the flood pushing against the side of the vehicle. The force of the water set up a kind of rocking motion.
I was powerless. The water was half way up the doors. It was impossible to open my door. It would have done no good to open the window to try to crawl out. I haven’t been able to fit through a car window since I was fifteen.
I undid my seatbelt and waited for infinity to pass.
The Landrover simply tipped quietly into the river. There was a crunch as the side of the vehicle connected with the ground. The windows shattered with the impact. I was flung down against the passenger door, cracking my head on the handle. Some giant was dragging the car down the riverbed. It scraped and jolted across the rocks, tossing me about inside.
But the water coming into the car was my biggest concern. It was up to my knees. I groped my way onto the steering wheel above me, clutching at the seat belt to steady myself. I was crouching with one foot on the steering wheel and the other braced against the seat.
I needed all my strength to turn the handle and push the door upwards. I wasn’t ready for the rush of water through the cabin. It pummelled me against the windscreen but I was able to use its power to escape from the cabin through the doorway.
The river was swirling dangerously beside the vehicle. I fought my way through the current to the bank and scrambled out just in time to see the Landrover sink out of sight below the water.
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4 comments:
Eve says:
I was there with you completely, Kerry, having been through a shaky fording of Ivanhoe Crossing in the Kimberley a number of years ago.
Without my scrutinising your writing as an adjective cop, you seemed to fulfil the prompt's requirement admirably. The powerful and exact verbs you used helped drive the drama: shimmied, groped, clutching, pummeled.
Where I had a little trouble following the action was in the car cabin as the protagonist did unusual things with his/her body to escape. For example, I thought he was lying on the seat on his side at a right angle to the door, but then how could the water be up to his knees?
Overall, a good yarn!
Whew. I feel a little weak-kneed after that read. Your character takes a big risk compounded by a spot of bad luck, and ends up in a near-death situation. You give us detail such that we are there in the Landrover with you.
Somehow minimising the adjectives gives the story a faster pace and greater immediacy. The language is very strong and doesn't need the lushness that adjectives give.
A suggestion would be around crispening-up the backstory. Your first sentence starts the story as you edge into the ford, right? The second para does an interesting thing where we try to figure out what possible context could create that time warp you net us with. The THIRD and fourth paragraphs are backstory. Maybe transition into the backstory with something like, "I had the first flicker of regret about my decision to tackle the ford..." and then somehow weave in your 2 backstory bits about what you usually do AND about the flood warnings.
I followed your every move inside the vehicle (in increasing panic)- tho' wasn't quite certain how you escaped.
Anyway, great yarn. Loved it.
Another scary story. I like how you captured the sense of doom over a bad decision. Aware of the dangers but going ahead anyway.
I got a bit confused though with the physics of the problem though. I felt your descriptions of what happened to the victim were at odds with how the world actually works. The vehicle tipped over with the passenger side down on the floor of the stream. Everything after that must fit together with that scenario. For example the distance between the 2 doors in a landrover would be less than 2 metres. Unless the protaganist is a dwarf, by standing on the passenger door, you would be almost bumping your head on the driver's door. Etc.
This may be overly picky I know but I think we should be attending to details like these.
A good Aussie yarn.
Kerry this is a terrific read, exciting chilling and terrifying. It tells the story of someone crossing a familiar ford, after the floods, losing control and nearly losing a life.
I loved how engrossing the piece is. I was with you every step of the way down the river. Even the backstory flows (bad pun)easily into the story. I like the mix of short sentences and longer paras. It adds drama and tension.
I wasn't sure wether there was one or more people in the car. You use 'we'a few times but only one person escapes. when the door was opened and the water gushed in, was it the other doorway that you escaped through? not sure I read it a couple of times.
Lucky there weren't crocs to contend with!
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