In under 500 words, and using no more than 10 adjectives, write the story of your escape from great danger.
My mobile phone rings again. Unnecessarily I glance at the display to see who it might be. I know who it might be. It’s the same caller as the last three I ignored. It’s going to be Lois again. She never gives up and I’m doomed.
It’s Lois. Do I pick up? This really is silly. I can’t possibly avoid her forever. Can I?
I decide to answer the phone. I mean maybe she’s ringing to ask me to play bridge or go shopping. But I know it won’t be that. She wouldn’t have rung back three more times. She would have found another partner or shopping mate.
“Hello?” I answer pretending I couldn’t possibly know who’s calling.
“Betty hi. It’s Lois. I’m so glad I’ve finally reached you. Do you have a minute?”
“Oh, hi Lois. Oh dear, I was just about to go out. Will this be brief?” I know it won’t be and the noose tightens.
“Oh sure Betty. Just a few seconds. I was wondering if you had an evening free this week. I’d like to get together and talk.”
“This week? Oh I’m not sure. Maybe I could ring you back after I check my diary. I’ve got to go out now.”
“It’s only Monday. Surely you have one evening open. Why don’t I just pencil you in for Wednesday? Is that ok?”
“What’s it about Lois? I’m not sure Wednesday works. I think Bob and I are going bowling that night.”
“Oh Betty you don’t bowl! You’re such a fooler. I’d rather not talk over the phone, especially since you have to go out. So Wednesday or Thursday – which should it be?”
I’ll bet you’d rather not talk but I don’t say that. Instead what comes out of my mouth is so absurd I’m not sure I said it. “Lois I’m going to talk to a real estate agent. Bob and I are moving.”
“Moving? Wow that is big news. Did Bob get a promotion? Why are you moving? Where are you moving to? But never mind. You can tell me all about it either Wednesday or Thursday. Which shall it be?”
“I’d rather not commit yet Lois. Bob and I might have to start packing right away and I would rather keep my options open. Maybe I could ring you back.”
“Well ok Betty. I can understand that you’re a bit stressed. I’ll hear from you soon. Toodles.”
I breath a sigh of relief as she hangs up. I’ve escaped. For now. Maybe. But she’ll persist. Those new Amway reps always do. Jenny warned me after she got nailed.
Now how am I going to explain to Bob that we have to move?
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5 comments:
Eve here:
Such a simple premise, Rick, and so human, dreading a phone call from so-and-so, wriggling (the escape) out of a date. OMG, it brings up memories of all those boys I didn't want to accept dates from in high school.
A simple telling, too, with good dialogue, albeit stripped of extraneous adjectives, as much as possible - who can be bothered counting - but it does make for straight forward style.
I like the surprise, even that it surprised your character, of a really, really desperate excuse. And, of course, your sense of humour was happily unrestrained.
From Gordon:
An excellent story about procrastination and resistance. You have just captured the essence of the internal dialogue that we typically have that really gets in the way of relationship. Also, you captured how we get caught in the stories we tell and the unintended consequences of a momentary lapse.
I wondered as I looked back at the story what you could have done with Lois being Brian (for example)????
Rick this is a good fun conversation. I love the excuses and how bizaare they become.
I got pretty engrossed but I didn'tspot many adjectives. Well done. I acknowledge all the dialogue, I find it difficult to create a story around just dialogue but you've done a great job.
I got a bit confused with some of the background conversation. The thoughts in Betty's head. I'm not sure how they should be represented, ie as dialogue or backstory?
And I finished with a bit of a giggle. We've been Amway reps!!
Lois? Don't you think as an author you should change the names to protect the...ah, but I digress.
Third time I've read it and I'm still grinning. Having been taken on the Amway ride at least a couple of times, my heart was beating with the danger by the end of the third paragraph.
I love how you gradually unfold the story, building curiosity, until we get to the very satisfying punchline. I love the dialogue and how you capture that avoidance/pretending/dodginess we've all experienced in some way or other.
I also love your Betty. Is this the first time you've POVed from a female? She works!
Not sure I have anything to suggest. Nice experiment and keep doing them.
Kerry says:
A human story of avoiding someone who just wants to be friends (and sell Amway).
I love the idea that the prompt is an escape from danger and for Betty this is a real and present danger, as they say. Great humour, Rick, that has Betty's extreme excuse of moving somewhere else to avoid Lois's advances.
Loved it Rick.
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