In the Garden – Written for children 8-10
Poppy winds her way along the gravel path, edged with smooth black rocks from the nearby gorge. Poppy can smell the quiet and warm smell of sunshine. A little yellow butterfly stops her in her tracks. It hovers near her face and she can see the veins through the clear wings. It stays for a while, darts into the flowers then returns, eager for Poppy to follow.
Poppy was the name her mother had given her because she reminded her of a new flower, a bud springing into life, a happy dancing red poppy flower. She had inherited her mother’s passion for flowers. Even at only 8 years old, she is a master at flower arrangements and she has been asked to make up flowers for the Harvest Festival at the local church.
The butterfly leads her past the rose garden where the long straggly and thorny stems bend and weave in the breeze. They are hanging out for a prune. She wanders around the bend, past the lavender bush. She pauses briefly to pick a couple of smooth mauve flower heads. Mum doesn’t mind her beheading the flowers, and she rubs the tiny buds in the palm of her hand.
“uuuuuuuuuuuum” she breathes in the sickly, heady but also fresh smell.
She spots the Sunflowers, smiling and peering out over the top of all the other flowers and shrubs. With big yellow heads the size of dinner plates they will be the focus of her arrangement. She wades through the front part of the flower bed and gets down on her hands and knees to cut the stems low down, then gently lifts them back onto the pathway. Five long, beautiful stems just lie there.
For just a few minutes Poppy stands still, her little hand protecting her eyes. She searches the flower gardens to decide what next. She can feel the excitement in her tummy as she visualises the flowers.
“I know!” she shouts to the yellow butterfly. “Let’s go” and they both skip along the path. Round by the fish pond there are two large clumps of Birds of Paradise. Their yellow and blue heads are strong and solid and there are no dead brown bits to spoil their look. Poppy picks just 3. She smiles as she recalls her Mum’s advice.
“Always collect flowers in uneven numbers”
And “keep it simple, just a couple of special blooms are more startling than a muddled mix.”
“So now I need 1 something. Something extraordinary” says Poppy.
The yellow butterfly is going berserk. He is flying backwards and forwards, he seems to be getting agitated and keeps returning to Poppy’s side. Obediently Poppy follows down into the glade of trees.
In the middle of the forest, a giant Liquid Amber tree has pride of place. Poppy looks up. His leaves are the most extraordinary colour of burnt orange and maroon. But they are high up in the tree, tempting but unreachable.
Head down and feeling just a little forlorn, she collects the Sunflowers and Birds of Paradise then detours around the tennis court. She starts to run as she notices a clump of Red Hot Pokers.
She grins. There will be ten Red Hot Pokers added to the Sunflowers and Birds of Paradise and won’t they look amazing alongside the rich orange carrots and yellow dappled pumpkins?
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3 comments:
Jenny says:
A detailed picture of a few moments in time, clearly described.
I was distracted by the sentence in the beginning that this was written for 8-10 year old children.
The vocabulary (eg "obediently") and sentence structure (passive voice) was often beyond what an average 8-10 year old could easily read, and the POV was sometimes inappropriate - for example I am assuming Poppy is about the same age as the intended reader, which means that her hand wouldn't occur as "little" to the reader, being the same size as the reader's hand.
There would also be more action and less description generally in a story written for children.
I was also distracted the the mention of "odd numbers" contrasted with the final solution to the problem of something extraordinary being TEN of something.
I liked the garden as a location, and would have liked to read something with more whimsical action in that setting, having been spoiled by highly creative previous stories from you!
What was communicated for me was a little girl enraptured by nature, captivated by her mission and the choices that face her.
What I loved was the imagery, the descriptions of the flowers. I felt very THERE in the garden, with the scents and the colours and the shapes.
Suggestions? - I found it quite an adult story, something that a gardener/home-maker would enjoy. I'm not sure the language or the content works for a young person.
Kerry says:
A romantic vision of a child's experience of an autumn garden as she frolics merrily around the paths looking for flowers to arrange in her local church.
From a child reader's point of view I loved the idea of a butterfly helping Poppy choose the best flowers. Perhaps this relationship could have been emphasised, perhaps the butterfly could have a personality, a name, a purpose. I liked the storyline.
I thought there were too many adjectives in the story Sue. For example 'the long straggly and thorny stems bend and weave in the breeze'. Maybe it would help to focus on one or two characteristics at a time or introduce the other characteristics in another way (perhaps with verbs and nouns a la Eve's prompt :) You have a great ability to conjure up the scene.
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