The Ultimate Choice
"Do you have choices? Write a story of 500-750 words about making choices (or not) and the consequences".
Mark drove furiously to be there at 6 o’clock in the evening. He was running late. He had a light green 1974 Holden HJ that he drove with a great sense of pride and satisfaction. He had worked hard to bring the car back to an as new condition. It was now shiny and new. The patches of rust had all been repaired, the chrome on the bumpers, door handles and trim had all been restored, the seats covered with new material and the rust holes in the foot well repaired. All this work involved welding, grinding, polishing, painting and then burnishing to harden the paint. It was now complete and he could sense new dimensions were possible for his life.
Jane was ready for dinner. She watched as Mark drove his shiny Holden up the gravel driveway and put on the brakes with a stylish sense of coming to a complete stop on a surface which growled and complained as you drove over it. The driveway was grand and bordered with stone edges. As he looked to the left and the right he could see the shrubs and trees grew taller the further you looked. The edges were bordered with red and white and yellow flowers. It was a beautiful garden. He felt a sense of intruding on a space he could only go into with the very special permission that Jane had given him.
Jane could hardly wait for Mark to come. She knew he would impress her parents. He was tall and slim yet strong and agile. She knew he would come with a sense of respect and acknowledgment of her parents and may even come with a gift of flowers. She also knew he could hold a conversation together, and he had no need to show off. She was proud of him and had a real sense of delight in his company.
“Mum, Mark is here. Is dinner ready?”
There was a knock on the door and Jane walked, yet wanted to run, to the door and opened it. “Hey Mark, great to see you. Come in.” “Hi, how are you?” he said. The question was left to hang in the air. “Hello Mrs Hamilton, thank you for having me to dinner tonight.” He then quickly presented a beautiful bouquet of flowers. “Mark it is great to have you with us and these are just wonderful”, she said. “Come and join us for dinner”.
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Long after dinner Jane and Mark sat on the couch quietly chatting about the rather violent video they had watched. Jane was uneasy. Mark began to think the video had really upset Jane. What was wrong? Suddenly, Mark had a sense of “I might loose Jane.” With an intensity of emotion he put his arm around Jane’s shoulder and said: “Jane, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” There was a moment of intense silence. Jane was in another space and her mind was now suddenly jolted to a reality that stood starkly before her as a choice. Jane was not ready for this, yet she new it was a moment that would forever alter her life. It was one of life’s ultimate choices and she knew it.
As fast as her mind could work she considered what if I say “no”. I may never meet another Mark. “Am I too young to get married?” The questions raced through her mind. Then came: “Mark, I love you, and yes I will marry you.”
Gordon MacAulay
23 January 2010
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3 comments:
I like this piece, Gordon. It's written in a straight-forward style, accomplished in part by the relatively short sentences, with subject-verb-object.
I liked the way you had me feel I knew the kind of guy Mark was by the way he treated his car, maybe the kind of guy who would treat a girl as well as his car :)
Your descriptors were good; I could see the setting.
To my ear, though, the dialogue was a little awkward, and perhaps not even necessary for moving the story forward.
Good job!
Jenny says:
Your style had become much more fluid and descriptive, Gordon - this is very engaging.
I found the switching of POV a bit abrupt - fist all Mark, then all Jane, then back to Mark mid-para, and then to something almost neutral, the a rapid-fire back-and-forth in the final scene.
I think you could have told the story from within one POV, giving clues to what is going on for the others by what they say and do.
The parallels between the car and the garden, and the way the characters relate to life, were very well-drawn.
I really liked these two people!
Heather says:
Whew! What a lot got covered in an evening. You really created that very real-life wild and furious stage where there's uncertainty in a relationship; where one person is a little ahead of the other in their readiness.
I felt it was a little jarring to keep switching points of view (perhaps you did it as an exercise; I don't think it quite worked). Although your characters both are well-developed and likeable, I think it would have strengthened our trust and understanding if it had been told from one person's perspective. - Either one, though I'd vote for Jane's. (Or one of her parents!)
I loved the detailed description, which both built character and set the scene.
A small grammatical point re dialogue: only one speaker in each paragraph.
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