“If I’m so smart and so rich, why am I so afraid?” That’s what I keep asking myself. I can’t figure out how this got started. I was ok when I was a boy and loved being outdoors. I loved to go down to the harbour on New Year’s Eve with my parents and watch the fireworks. But somewhere in my 20’s I started to get these anxieties when I went to work. The anxieties built up into dread and the dread into panic attacks. And one day about 4 years ago I stopped going outside altogether.
I’ve stayed in my apartment ever since. IN my apartment. Haven’t even left to take a walk around the block. Don’t even go down to the lobby. I’m a computer programmer and very, very good at my work. I write security modules for brokerage houses and I can do all of my work at home, delivering the finished goods over the internet. Because I write all the security modules, I also know all the entry points and let’s just say that some of the information I’ve had access to has paid off very, very well. And I can order anything I want over the internet and have it delivered here. I’ve got my 3rd bedroom converted to a gym and I workout. I watch my diet, keep my brain active. So what’s my problem?
Well I did a dumb thing. I got lonely and used the internet to find a girl friend. I just wanted someone to chat with, someone besides other programmers and stock broker types. Safe, anonymous – just friendly and sociable. But it was a good news, bad news type of story. The good news is I found someone, the bad news is I fell in love with her. She really liked me too and the extra good news/bad news is that she lives here in Sydney, not somewhere like Boise, Idaho or wherever. One thing led to another and we agreed to a date. We were going to meet down the block at Starbucks. I thought I could break out and do it. But at the last minute I had one of the worst panic attacks ever. I called her up and told her I had a work emergency and would she mind picking up a couple of coffees and coming up to my place. She was a bit suspicious but I guess she liked me more than she feared I was some sort of whacko so she came up. And we had the best time. Since then she’s been here 7 or 8 times but finally confronted me for an explanation. I told her everything, all about my agoraphobia, and she didn’t even laugh.
We agreed that we both wanted a world together, but not forever just here in my apartment. So twice now we’ve agreed to meet and go to Starbucks. And twice I chickened out and couldn’t do it. Well this is it. Three strikes and your out. We do it now or I’m finished. I’ll call her on her mobile.
“Hello honey, it’s me. Where are you now?”
“Just outside. Great. Listen just keep talking. I think if I listen to your voice and not my mental chatter I’ll be ok. I’m pressing the down button.”
“Ok, I’m coming down. Just keep talking. I’ll listen to your voice.”
“I’m going to do this. I’m so bloody afraid I think my heart’s going to stop.”
“Oh, I can see you now out on the street. Hey, you’re crying. Aw, don’t do that. Hold on, I’m coming out to kiss them away.”
And I did!
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3 comments:
Thanks Rick
I like the way you trace the story of the agoraphobic who has it all under control until he falls in love. You use the conversational tone really well. There are a couple of places where the actual conversations are slightly confusing. I wonder whether the first sentence needs to be in quotes. And in the paragraph starting 'just outside' there is a mix-up about who's talking.
Kerry
I loved this story, Rick. My favourite yet! It's so warm and so romantic and completely fulfills the prompt to cause a transformation.
My suggestion is around what Stephen King calls "backstory". Most of your story is "backstory"; the end is in the present and what's happening now. Perhaps if you were to START your story with something like, "I reached toward the lift's down button and yet again drew my hand back..." and then launch into the background. And then toward the end, close that link and PRESS the button. Scaredy-cat chapter closed!
Great story Rick. I got how he was "in prison". The build up to the dating story was powerfully created and I could see him living his life indoors. I liked the relationship part in particular the ending when he was coming down in the life listening to her voice and she cried - very humbling I thought. I would liked to have known what happened in his life to have him be frightened of the outdoors - did I miss something?
Sue
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