“You want my advice on whether or not you should propose to Denise?” I asked Simon dumbfoundedly. “Why are you asking me?”
“Because Ralph. I need some feedback from someone who doesn’t think the way I do and as I went through my spreadsheet of all of my friends, you were top of the list of who doesn’t think rationally about things.”
“You have a list of your friends in a spreadsheet. Why?”
“Doesn’t everyone? How do you keep track of your friends? How do you know which you can ask for a ride somewhere? How do you keep track of their birthdays? Or all the other things?”
“Ok Simon, so no, I don’t have a list. And I think I might have been insulted there. But why are you having a problem with this anyhow?”
“Ralph, perhaps I’ve thought about this too much and I’m looking for something a bit more impulsive, something you are good at. And I mean that as a compliment. Look, let me show you the printout of the worksheet I put together on Denise. I’ve listed all of the positive things about her and given each item a ranking. Then I listed all of the negative things and also gave them a ranking. After I added up the rankings of both columns, they turned out exactly the same! Do you know that the odds of this happening are 1.735 million to one AGAINST?”
“No I didn’t know that Simon. Math never was my best subject. Let me see those lists.”
I read down the columns and when I finished I knew more about Denise than I know about my mother.
“Nice lists Simon. But they’re all crap.”
“There! That’s why I’m talking to you. You didn’t ask me to justify what is on my lists. You didn’t attempt to refute my logic. You simply replied insultingly without thinking. So what should I do? What does your impulsive instinct for reaction tell you to say to me?”
“Arghh. Let me look at those lists again. Aha. I see the problem. Here, give me a pen.” I scribbled on the positive side a bit and handed the list back to Simon.
He read what I added, stopped, and then said quietly, “Ralph your logic was impeccable. I’ll ask her to marry her of course. And yes, I do love her and I won’t argue that putting that missing point on the list was worth one million points or one billion. But how do you know I love her?”
“Simon I didn’t think I used logic at all. I just figured that anyone who could spend as much time writing down so much one person the way you’ve done about Denise could only have done it because he’s crazy about her. And since you asked me, as I see it that’s the only point worth considering.”
“Ralph, you’re right. I’ll propose this evening. Thankyou so much.”
“One last thing Simon. Under no circumstances will you show her that list, nor mention that you even had one, nor mention that you talked to me or anyone else about this.”
“No wait. One more last thing. If for some reason she says no, would you mind if I asked her out?”
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Rick
Great twist to the story. Also, I liked the slip: "I’ll ask her to marry her of course."
Good read
Gordon
Kerry says:
This piece of writing really tickled my fancy, Rick. Your handling of the conversation was great and I loved the set-up particularly when Ralph made his move at the end.
Those little explosions of laughter you might have heard a few minutes ago? - that was me, reading your story. Something about your quirky and amiable sense of humour just gets me laughing out loud. I love Earnest Simon, with his spreadsheet and facts lists and his 1.7 million odds (doesn't even recognise that he subconsciously got those columns to balance exactly). And I love laid-back Ralph with his clear, easy, intuitive approach. He's someone who (subconsciously of course) knows how to take those spreadsheet rankings and attach a zero to everything in the negative column.
The final twist he throws in is perfect. If it helps Simon get his hat over the wall, great. And if not, well, Ralph can tell a good thing when he sees one.
Let me have a little go at the punctuation before you submit this anywhere :-)
I just read it again and had to laugh some more.
Hi Rick. Nice to have you back. I love the story especially the lists. I could just see them and see Simon agonising over the pros and cons. It reminded of Maggie and us when we were trying to sell our house. She asked whether we wanted to go travelling or play with spreadsheets.
I think it's very clever to get from the lists that Simon must love Denise. But interesting that it's not on the list! It's a good read and I had to have a little smile at the end.
The only thing for me is - if the lists were crap then how come they said so much about the relationship?
Ha Rick, good one. I enjoyed this and I think I have met a Simon somewhere before. Ralph would have be forgiven for giving Simon a sock in the mouth but he got his back at the end. Enjoyable entertaining read. But does Denise say yes?
Peta
Post a Comment