Brandi Engler and Greg Sampson meet a week before his wedding.
One of them is allergic to almonds. Write their story.
Brandi Engler stood on the edge of a chaotic chasm in her life. She felt a welling within her that stirred at her very existence. She was wearing a pale pink and yellow silk dress with splashes of golden flowers randomly across the material that touched her with a shiver of electricity. She carried a bag with some of her favourite delicacies for breakfast including sultanas, almonds, peanuts and cashews. As she walked down the lane in the French seaside village her steps touched lightly on the ground. There was flight in her strides and purpose behind her rush to the jetty.
The water was flat with an eerie stillness that only the early morning can bring. Clouds stood still in the sky and the sun’s golden rays skated off the surface of the bay. With a slow and continuous movement, a two-masted yacht sailed up the bay with an elegance of a beautiful swan. There was no sound other then the ripple of the water against the hull of the boat and a small rustle of the zephyr like wind in the sails. Brandi stopped on the jetty to listen and take in the shear elegance of the moment. Her head was spinning yet her senses were so heightened that beauty was everywhere.
Brandi stopped and stood on the edge of the jetty, transfixed on the beautiful white boat that was approaching as it turned and sailed directly toward the jetty. Greg stood, almost motionless, holding the tiller. Ever so gently, the yacht slid beside the jetty and Brandi, taking Greg’s hand, jumped on board to a bone-crushing embrace and kisses.
Greg Sampson was rustic in character but with a trimmed beard and a weathered and sun-tanned face. He was dressed in a navy blue tea shirt and sharply fitting white shorts, sand shoes and white socks. He was a boatie with precision and a sense of class that was unusual for a sailor. He was to be married to Anna-Louise Bréchet next Saturday.
Breakfast was ready and served. “Brandi, how was Paris?” Greg said as they sat opposite each other across a small bench. “Great” was the reply. Brandi could feel her throat ceasing up as she tried to impress in response to the most mundane of questions. There was a silence. “How is Anna-Louise?” Brandi asked. “Great, and more beautiful than ever.” Greg replied as they ate the spread on the table. “Of course, she is beautiful, but you are elegant.” Brandi’s heart raced. What does it mean?
It was just a few more moments and Greg was starting to turn red in the face and look very shaky. Brandi sensed there was something wrong. Suddenly he said, “I don’t feel well I will go below.” He bent to go below and fell headlong down the small stairs to the floor of the cabin. There he lay, comatose and still.
With sirens blaring an ambulance arrived in a matter of minutes. Brandi was still kneeling beside him holding his hand as the ambulance officer arrived. With a quick and delicate kiss to his forehead she said farewell as they lifted his still body out of the boat.
Gordon MacAulay,
17 May 2009.
Word count 530
Other titles:
Lost at sea
A sailors friend
The Breakfast
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4 comments:
Very mysterious Gordon. You didn't leave enough clues to resolve it for the reader. Did she murder him? Was it an accident? Why did she have a bag of breakfast goodies with her when he was serving her breakfast? Why would he eat almonds when he knew he was allergic to them?
Nice buildup of the characters. I think it would have been better though not to use your story describing the beauty of the boat and the scenery and use the words more to develop the characters and their obviously intimate but about to end relationship.
Rick
I think the story has, in part at least, served its purpose--it had your imagination fired up. What if he did not know he had very recently become allergic? What if the description was really about how she felt and observed? What if she had said I will bring some things for breakfast? What if she did not know she was going to get breakfast? Etc., etc. I hear what you say about the space though for character development. I had 500 words in mind and ran out pretty quickly. Thanks
Gordon
Heather says:
An interesting and enigmatic story!Your vivid description washes over the reader in a moody wave. The description catches the flavour of the questions in the air: who does he love? does he intend there to be a wedding? what is Brandi in is life?
In terms of characterisation, I'm left a little unsure about your 2 characters. How at the effect of her chaotic chasm is Brandi? And is Greg really a bone crushing hugger or someone with precision and a sense of class? The story lacks a little focus as a result. And I'm not clear at the end whether Greg is dead or not. There's a big difference in your theme if she is saying goodby because she's made a life decision OR because he's died.
Your writing style is very elegant, Gordon. Easy to read and stay engaged. Write more!
Another murder, how fascinating. Gordon I love your writing, in particular the second para which is so beautiful. I was on the jetty beside Brandi.
Re characterisation. I would like to know more about her. What was she doing here, some of her background that took her to murder Greg.
POV from Brandi is good and clear. Just one thing, the POV stuff I sent out a few weeks ago suggested that describing the main character's clothes takes away from the POV unless she looks in the mirror to tell the reader what shes wearing. Try and show rather than tell.
This story has a great structure. Well done.
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