The Battle of Waterflu - by Rick

“What am I, Napoleon Tobaccomosaic, doing with this riffraff?”, it thought as it inspected its troops. “How am I to wage war against the humans with these clueless chemical freaks that don’t have the attention span of a paramecium?”

“Perhaps a good pep talk will stir up some concerted action”, it thought to itself.

“Fellow viruses, we are at a turning point in our battle for supremacy here on Earth. The humans have proven to be a formidable foe and our best efforts have proven insufficient. The Black Plague, our war of mass destruction upon which we rested all of our hopes, was pathetic. Yes I know that we wiped out a full third of humanity and we can hold our membranes high, but over two thirds of them survived. Our foe adapts to the best we have to offer.”

“Hey, you over there. Come back. I order you to return. I’m not finished.”

“Bloody hell,” Napoleon thought to itself as half of its ranks went flitting off because a pig died at the edge of the field and it was, well, pig-out time.

“My comrades that stampede of the pig-flu viruses points to our biggest weakness. We have no long term vision. The slightest attraction is thrown in our path and we lose the plot. Those idiots that just left were needed for the battle to come.”

“To defeat the humans and attain our destiny to become the mightiest of all life forms (well assuming we are life forms and the debate isn’t over I’ll tell you) depends on you understanding what I have to say.”

“Ack, where are those morons going?”, it said as another half of its troops abandoned the cause to swarm over the carcass of a rabbit that an eagle had dropped from its nest.

“I have to go faster”, Napoleon thought and as he thought that another half of the ragtag mob of chemicals darted off to infect a passing lumberjack with a nasty bout of polio leaving only it and one other lost little blob.

“So, it’s up to you and I. Well so be it. Here is my plan. We are going to infect The Magna Carta. Our aim will be to destroy it so that the humans are left without a chart for their future. I have been watching them for some time now and this document seems to be inspiring them to greater and greater feats of creativity. Unless we do something to stop them, well who knows what might happen? Perhaps they will invent something that lets them detect our existence and unleash their formidable forces upon us. It will be the end for us all. For once we must put aside our drive for infecting the weak and the obvious and take on something that is a bit, how shall I say it, ‘cerebral’.”

“Are there any questions?”

“Mate, can’t we just jump on that sparrow that’s landed over there. I’m starving.”

“Ooo,” Napoleon thought to itself. “It does look delicious.”

“Ok. We’ll infect it now, but promise me we’ll come right back and infect that…. What was it we were going to do?”, Napoleon thought as they were both inhaled by the sparrow.